Jessica's Mumbo Jumbo

Take a glimpse into the world of an inattentive, oversensitive,hyperactive,& unorganized 33 year old mother with Attention Deficit Disorder!

Archive for the tag “life”

The Struggle is Real: ADD & Motherhood DO NOT MIX!

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It’s been quite some time since I’ve posted for my blog and I have a very good reason, I promise you! My very last post was approximately written about 3 years ago, yes, I know unacceptable. But please, I beg of you, there is a valid excuse. I became a mom!  In addition to that I have ADD and to throw another responsibility into the mix, I teach Special Education at the high school level. I know, I know, I’m not the only mom out there who has to juggle a multitude of tasks, but to be honest, it’s fucking hard, time-consuming and stressful as hell and I have the utmost respect for those moms who have their shit together. I would give my left leg to have my shit together.

I’m sure many of you non-super-Pinterest-moms out there most likely cannot relate because you are simply amazing, but at least I know that there are other ADD moms out there who can. I’m really going to focus on maintaining my blog because I really need some ” me time.” I honestly don’t care if that sounds the least bit selfish because as a mom, you need that time. My “me”time usually consists of spending time in the bathroom until my three year old, Emma,  begins banging on the door while screaming          “DON’T LEAVE ME MOMMY!” On the top of her fucking lungs! Like seriously I can’t get a moment to breathe. Where the hell does she think I’m going to go? I’m in the bathroom that’s less than a foot away from your room!

I know being a mom with ADD can be super stressful sometimes, (O.K.–most of the time!) but to be quite frank, I would not change it for the world. I love being a mom and the craziness that comes along with the job keeps me on my toes. My daughter is the best thing that has ever happened to me!

Here is a list of my top ten struggles that I face as an ADD mom!!! I hope many of you can relate!

1.I tend to lose a lot of things! There have been MANY instances when I was supposed to fill out a form for Emma’s daycare and I lost the paper–not once, but a few times! Lets just say that I lose my cell, debit card, keys and anything that is considered important on a daily basis. This is an extremely touchy subject for me because losing things causes so much stress in mine and Emma’s life.

2.I am very forgetful! I might forget to bring something to a party at Emma’s school. Sorry kids, I know I signed up to bring in the juice boxes and plates, looks like you will be drinking tap water and eating caveman style! #bannedfromclassparties.  I tend to forget to sign her in and out on the computer at her school in the mornings. I can’t tell you how many times the owner reminds me how this is a safety issue in addition to his way of tracking whether or not I pick her up later than I am supposed to so that he can charge me an additional 5 dollars. I am living off a teacher’s salary for christ’s sake, can’t you cut me a damn break? Those 5 dollars add up quickly. Oh, and filling my gas tank? That is another nightmare. I found myself stranded in the middle of a major highway most recently because I forgot to fill my gas tank!

3.  Did I mention forgetfulness? Don’t get me started. This causes me to be late for EVERYTHING.I lose my keys, forget to grab Emma’s lunchbox or backpack on our way to school in the morning. I have caused us to be locked out of the house for hours. Then when I go to get the spare key that is hidden outside (which my husband hid purposely to prevent this), I suddenly remember that I forgot to put it back in the hiding spot! I forget to pack certain things that Emma may need for school (show and tell items, bathing suit, etc.). Thank god my daughter has a much better memory that I do, she is always there to remind me! “Listen Em, during show and tell, just show everyone your imaginary toy. Then when they say that they cannot see it, tell them they’re nuts). LOL

4.I tend to let her down sometimes. I  forget making promises or plans with her. I am lucky to have such an understanding three-year-old who has developed empathy for my disability.

5.My disorganization and messiness is rubbing off on my daughter and I fear this will continue as she grows up. I have gotten much better over the years because I have learned to stay on top of my piles. I started to put things away throughout the day. However, Emma does not understand the concept of putting her toys away when she is done playing with them nor does she understand the concept of  keeping her room clean. It looks like an explosion went off in her bedroom. There are piles everywhere. Can you say recipe for disaster?

6.Sometimes, I am easily agitated (especially if I forgot to fill my prescription) and when I feel that way, I tend to ignore her or get mad at the smallest things. Especially when she hangs all over me or asks me for something a million times. I fucking LOSE IT!

 7.I tend to lose interest at times when I am engaged in an activity with Emma. This causes her to feel like I am not interested in spending time with her. “Ok, mommy will color with you for a minute.” (one minute into coloring)….. “How about a puzzle now? I have to go do laundry. Sorry kid, looks like you’re on your own.”

8.She really wants a brother or sister, and although I would love to provide her with that, I know I won’t be able to handle the responsibility of having two children. “Sorry Em, it looks like you will have to rely on your cousins for companionship.” Thanks ADD!!

9.Food shopping & cooking!!! I am having some serious anxiety just thinking about this! I could write an entire post solely on the hatred I feel towards food shopping and cooking. THANK GOD my husband is the complete opposite and is like Gordon Ramsay in the kitchen. #lovemyironchef  I fucking hate food shopping and cooking. I just vomitted a little bit in my mouth thinking about it. My heart is literally pounding as a I write this post. When my husband tells me to go food shopping (after we have literally eaten everything in the house), I grit my teeth, nod and smile forcefully. As soon as I enter the grocery store, I am overcome with an instant feeling of panic and confusion. Feelings of anger consume my mind and I shoot nasty texts to my husband. “Why are you making me do this? Is this some sort of punishment?” He has learned to ignore those texts because it is my way of coping. Since I have no system or sense of organization, I just start tossing shit in the cart. When I go to checkout, and the cashier asks for coupons… my answer is always the same “yea.. uhmmmm, I really have to start using those.. if I could only get my shit together”then the cashier asks if I have my savings card… I realize that I lost that a long time ago so I plug in my old cell phone number to retrieve it… because I was too lazy to update the account. And cooking? Do not get me started… Lets just say, it is an absolute nightmare.

10.The one thing that really SUCKS about being a mom and teacher with ADD is getting myself and a toddler ready in the morning, oh, and FORGETFULNESS. Can we say fucking nightmare? My morning consists of hitting the snooze button a thousand times (literally) and rushing around the house like a madman. Dressing my daughter when she is half asleep and having to run to Wawa to buy Emma’s lunch because, well, I didn’t stay on top of the food shopping. On my way out, I realize I forgot Emma’s backpack and run in to get it only to realize I removed my key off my key ring the other day so that I could allow my car to run while I just ran in for something else I forgot. I then go to grab the spare that my husband hid only to find that I forgot to put that back. Sorry Em, looks like you won’t have your blanket or spare clothes today…. make sure you don’t crap your pants and maybe wearing your winter coat is a nice replacement for your blanket during nap-time.

And so here you have it! Just a list that I hope many of you can relate to so that you know you are not alone and that the #struggleisreal

Never forget: You are wonderful and you are doing an amazing job!!!

“You’re (not) Glowing!”

If I received a dollar for each and every time someone said to me “You’re glowing!” I would be friggin’ rich. Every time someone tells me that I am glowing, I reach for my mirror in a desperate attempt to try to see what it is exactly that the other person is seeing. After taking a quick glance of my pregnant face, I think to myself, “How the HELL am I glowing?” I mean really…… I have acne, a double chin, a chubby face, and a fat ass. Sometimes I think people just say that because they think it is what should be said to all pregnant women. My step mother even got me a shirt that says “You glow girl!” for christ’s sake. And do you think I am actually out there proudly sportin’ that shirt? HELL NO. I sure as hell do not want to attract any more attention to myself than I already receive. When I am out in public, people are constantly gawking at me like I have three heads, like they have never seen a pregnant woman before…. No this is not a beer gut. 

Trust me, I am ecstatic and feel blessed that I am pregnant, and I am by no means trying to be cynical… but I just do not see this “glow” that people supposedly see when they look at me…I mean, come on. really…. how the HELL am I glowing?? Is it the extra oil on my face that my pregnant body keeps producing?  I have gained 50 lbs already, my boobs are triple the size they once were, my face has completely filled in, I sweat like a horse, I am always out of breath, I get acne like a hormonal teenager, and my pants are bursting at the seems..lol. I think it is really sweet that people compliment me, but I really wish I could see this so called “glow” that they see because I sure as hell do not see it! lol.  

My Real Excuse for Lack of Blog Posts….

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I apologize to all of my followers for my lack of blog posts, but so much has been going on in my life that posting has been the least that has been on my mind. It is crazy how much your life can change so drastically in the matter of a few months! But what is my real excuse for my lack of blog posts you ask?

Well, as I have previously shared with you on here a few months ago… I was diagnosed with Bipolar and ADD about 5 years ago, and was on medication during that time frame. (Yea, yea, I am crazy and proud of it!) After I lost my job and was beyond depressed (which I did not think was possible since I was on damn antidepressants!), I found out I am pregnant! Yup, that is right! As of right now, I am 19 weeks pregnant and am due at the end of April! Back in August, I was feeling nauseous and tired as hell and I just figured it was because of my depression. That was until I took a pregnancy test and it came out positive! The next day I stopped taking all of my meds cold turkey!!! I know that is dangerous to do, but there is no way I was going to be taking Lamictal, Vyvanse and Lexapro while pregnant! I would be a horrible mother if I fed that to my fetus!! lol. I made the decision that it is more important to have a healthy baby born birth defect free rather than give birth to a baby who is dependent on psychiotic drugs with birth defects. That would absolutely kill me inside!  I have decided that I am strong enough to fight my depression for 9 months for the sake of the baby’s health.

I am not going to lie though.. Not being on my medication has changed my life drastically. Not only does my body have to fight having a mental illness and adjust being med. free… It also has to adjust to the rollercoaster ride of emotions and the crazy change in hormones that coincide with pregnancy. Talk about a freaking nightmare.

As you can see, it has been about 5 months since I have actually posted, and this is because my days pretty much have consisted of sleeping, eating and crying. When you are not on medication when your brain really needs it, it is definitely tough. Medication makes me normal. It also gives me my life back, When I was on my medication, I looked forward to blogging, knitting, photography and creating jewelry. However, when you are a bipolar pregnant woman, you could really care less about anything. The only thing I really cared about was taking care of my growing baby inside me which I truly feel is a gift from god. You know what? I truly feel that god gives us the gift of a child when we truly need it. I have seen this happen so many times to a number of people in my life. It took my husband and I one year until we got pregnant, and it could not have been at a better time.

After losing a job that I loved, I was fighting depression, and knowing that I have something to live for truly gives me a reason to wake up everyday.This baby gives me a reason to live, to take care of myself and to keep looking forward.  I thank god everyday for this blessing.

I only have about four more months left until I can truly feel like myself again, and I am proud of how far I have come. Having a mental illness is definitely a daily struggle, and I have to fight it in order to have a normal day. I never realized that until I saw the sadness in my husband’s eyes when he desperately said to me ” I miss Jess. I miss your smile, your laugh and your happiness.” “I am proud of you for fighting your bipolar and ADD without your medicine, but it has been so tough.” He even made a good point. He said “You cannot stop living your life. You used to laugh so much and smile. You used to enjoy posting on your blog!” He continued, “You are stronger than this! You cannot just sleep all of the time and do nothing. Whether you like it or not, you are a mother right now.” 

I looked down at my stomach and it had not clicked in my mind before that moment. He was right. Although the baby is not physically in my arms just yet, I became a mother the moment I conceived and what kind of mother just wastes their days feeling sorry for themselves? I made a promise right then and there that I would fight harder for my husband and our baby.

And so, here I am feeling better after our chat and finally accomplishing a task that I would have normally done when I was feeling like myself. Although I still have a few more months to go before I am myself again, I think the more I fight my illness, keep a normal routine, and do the things I once loved, I will be able to find happiness again without having to rely on medication to alter the chemicals in my brain. Well, there you have it. Prior to this post, my real excuse for my lack of blog posts is all because I have been fighting my depression and Bipolar, but obviously not hard enough. I think this blog post truly shows my commitment to fighting this illness on my own while I attempt to become normal again and gain my life back.

 

Long & Short Term Goals………

As the school year comes to an end, so does my job as a teacher. I don’t think that I am going to go right back into the teaching profession–although my colleagues think I am nuts because they feel that it is my calling. Instead, I have decided that I am going to take some time to do the things that I love. I also want to catch up on life, and do the things that I have been putting off for the past three years. I have put my career first, before myself, my friends and sometimes, unfortunately, my husband. I did not do this purposely, it has just always been my nature. I have been a workaholic since the day that I was born.

This was a hard decision since I love my job so much, but I have finally come to a conclusion. I have decided that I am going to set some long and short term goals for the future.I know that down the road,  I can always return to teaching, but for now I am going to have some “me” time. After working my %&@ off for the past three years, and going above and beyond, only to get me back to where I started, has left a bad taste in my mouth in regards to teaching and the politics that are involved. Maybe there is something bigger and better out there waiting for me. I will just have to wait and see.I have compiled a list of what those goals are that I hope to accomplish within the next two years. Here it goes, wish me luck!

1.Start a family! I have finally decided that I am ready, and this is the part of my life that is missing. I can’t wait!

2.Start my own jewelry business. I make cool jewelry out of vintage bottle caps, dominoes, etc. I ordered business cards, but have not had much time to put up the site since school is still in session.

3.Take some photography  classes.

4.Learn how to use my new sewing machine.

5. Sell my jewelry online and at craft shows.

6.Go to graduate school to get my Master’s in Social Work.

7.Lose weight and get healthy.

8.Eat better– less crap and more veggies and fruit.

9.Work online & tutor

10.Take better care of my hubby–cook and clean, and come home happy and not stressed!

11.Create a craft room.

12. Organize my closet.

13. Start the baby room.

14.Learn how to be more organized, less impulsive and listen to others.

15.Build my confidence.

16.Buy a Vespa Scooter

17.Buy an old Volkswagen Bug

18.Travel

If  I write my goals down, I am more likely to work towards them. I hope I have made the right decision with taking time off from teaching!

A Blessing in Disguise?

Ever since I received notification of my non-renewal and not being granted tenure, I felt sorry for myself. I have felt like a failure and depressed; especially since these are feelings that I have dealt with throughout my entire life. When you have
ADD, you always have to prove yourself, work harder than most people and have a difficult time fitting in.This has always been my experience, and I feel like that may have contributed to their decision.

Since I was not given a reason for my nonrenewal, and being that I have to finish my contract until June 12, I become more and more sad as the year comes to an end. This year, was by far my favorite year. I love my students and have an excellent rapport with them. They are definitely an amazing group of kids. Being non-renewed with excellent observations, and no negative letters in my file, has left me surprised beyond belief. As well as numerous parents, students and faculty.

I saw this coming when a director, out of nowhere, told me I was screwing up, and that I need to learn how to listen and stop interrupting people. I took it upon myself to tell him I was diagnosed with ADD. Then a coworker of mine was spreading rumors that I showed a parent her negative comments about students that she posted on her Facebook Page. First of all, I do not have Facebook and second of all, I have better ways to use my time. This particular teacher made my life miserable my first year as my mentor and continued to do so during my second year. I know for a fact that I am not the only one. She is also friendly with this director… hmm.. Can we say politics? Oh yea, and this teacher, who is tenured, did not get into trouble because she has tenure.

Besides all of that crap, I keep obsessing over coming up with different reasons why this has happened. I think “What could I have done differently?” “Did I do something that I was not told about?” “Why do they not like me?” “Did I not work hard enough?” I mean, I know I taught Special Education (high school, nonetheless), taught the extended school year program for three years, tutored for the district and served as a Student Government Advisor for two years. I guess I needed to do more?

Today, I came to a new realization. Yes, I know I made small mistakes along the way. Small mistakes that have nothing to do with my classroom teaching. I know that teachers make small mistakes along the way, but I feel that this director was just out to get me. Despite that fact that I tutored any student that he wanted me to tutor, no matter the disability or level of difficulty. I tried to please him in anyway, and was always up for the challenge.  I feel like they just used me for three years; which was solely based on one person’s opinion of me (someone who has never read my perfect reviews, and has not even seen me teach) and then decided to not renew/ nor grant me tenure.

To me, it is not the “not getting tenure” part that bothers me, because I could care less about that aspect of teaching. This is  because in a way, I think tenure protects bad teachers. There are some bad teachers in my school, and I am not mentioning names or my district but there are, and nothing is ever done about it. A teacher made fun of students on Facebook, a teacher is known for showing movies, and a teacher arrives late or shows up whenever she pleases to school. I know of a teacher in my school who belittles the Special Ed. students and gossips about other teachers. ETC.ETC.ETC. The list goes on.

In my school, the teachers are broken up into cliques. It reminds me of being in high school. There are the jocks (the history teachers who coach sports), the “popular girls” who hang out with the jocks and also coach sports, there are the teachers who gossip to fit in, the nerdy teachers, the loners and the outcasts etc. Personally, some teachers have made me feel like an outcast and never took it upon themselves to try to get to know me as a person. I decided to avoid the teacher’s lounge because of the endless amount of gossip that goes on, and the cynical teachers who hate their jobs.All of that gossip and cynicism about other teachers and students just makes me plain old depressed. I enjoy eating in my classroom and I keep my door open for those students who want to study, get extra help or use my computers during my lunch. I would rather have my students come visit me than any of the teachers.

Don’t get me wrong, I do have friends. A select few who have never labeled me, excluded me or made me feel like an outcast. They have entered this profession for all of the same reasons that I did. Not for the summers off, or to leave at 2. If you are a good teacher, you know that your job does not end at 2. I also entered it to teach kids and  touch their lives. I have formed bonds with about 5 teachers that I can trust and go to for support, which in itself, is enough for me. I wish there were more nonjudgemental people in this world like them.

After obsessing over this predicament, I have decided to look at this in a much more positive light. I think that this may have been a blessing in disguise. Maybe this is god’s way of telling me that there are bigger and better things out there for me. Maybe I was only supposed to be a teacher for three years, and now it is time to move on. I know this hurts, but sometimes I have to trust in god. I was never a religious person until my mom passed away, and when my life at that point as a teenager, started to snow ball into a series of difficult circumstances. However, I look back and I see all that I have accomplished on my own and it has only made me a stronger person. If I was able to overcome losing my mom at 18, being homeless, living on my own, living in a house with fleas before my mom died, having an emotionally/verbally abusive boyfriend at the time, and always having to deal with Dyfus, I say that I turned out pretty good. I strongly feel that this was god’s plan and he watched out for me.

I think at this moment, I need to trust in him. I need to trust that he has a new plan for me. I know that I put 150 % into my job (which is much more than most teachers put into), and so I know, and many will agree, that this was the result of politics in education.  God probably feels that this effort should be put into a new profession or school where my efforts will not be taken for granted/ go unrecognized.

This most definitely has to be a blessing in disguise, and I have to learn how to prevent myself from over-analyzing the situation. I need to look ahead more positively and trust that god will lead the way. I am going to finish out this school year to the best of my ability and look towards the future. I am sure that I will overcome this obstacle and will be able to look back and be proud that I overcame the situation.  I also need to realize that I had no control over it. Yes, one person may have been out to get me, however, not everyone in life is going to appreciate your hard work, but I am sure that there is someone who will someday. Whether it be a boss, a class, or a new employer, there will be someone who deserves and will not take my dedication for granted.I will not look at this as a loss, but as many lessons learned, and three years of experience. I will also know that I touched the lives of many amazing kids.

Why I left Facebook….

If I were to write a letter to Facebook (lets pretend it is an actual person) explaining why I no longer have it in my life, this is what the letter would look like: (lol)

Dear Facebook,

I am deeply sorry for not returning, however, my life without you has been much better. I had originally  left Myspace for you because you had made my life much more easier and convenient. There were some good reasons for having you in my life. You encouraged me to keep in contact with family and reunite with old friends. I was able to save money on stamps and envelopes since I had the luxury of being able to send out group invitations for events. If I did not feel up to speaking with anyone, I could post a status so that people would know that I was still alive. I could show off my photography and keep people ” in the know” as to my every single move. Life was good.

Then, just like with any other relationship, things went sour.

You made me realize just  how much I was missing out on in life by simply reading other peoples’ statuses. You start to feel depressed when you see that your friends went to the Dominican Republic without you. Which makes you realize just how truly lame your life actually is because you are currently on Facebook (no offense) reading other people’s statuses while they are meeting hot Dominicans.

You were way too demanding. Too much of my time was spent being dedicated to you when I could have been doing other things. I was scared that it was turning into an addiction. You know you have a problem when you start Facebooking Stalking. (if anyone is reading this– you know you did it! you were a victim of Facebook stalking!! lol)

You also made me realize how many friends I did not have. After a little comparing and contrasting, you start to notice other people with 500 friends, and then you realize you only have 100, which starts to make you feel like a loser. But, hey, you reminded me of this everyday.

You were high maintenance. I could not understand why I had to keep you posted of my every move via status postings. Can we say demanding? This only encouraged stalkers to enter into my life. I mean, do people really need to know when I take a shower or walk my dog? Keeping up with the statuses were time consuming. Then you wanted me to “check in?” Wayyyyyy to take away all of my freedom.

I need consistency in my life, and you are not consistent. Trying to keep up with your new appearance was difficult to adjust to. Why couldn’t you just remain the same? Now my life had to be broken down into a timeline for you! Really? A timeline? no comment.

I think what made me truly end it with you, Facebook, was when you constantly threw it in my face when my friends were mad at me.  Once I logged on and saw that I was unfriended, it always made me furious.Especially when they got to do the unfriending first! Oh, the agony!  It seemed as though you took pride in that. I also could never understand why you always encouraged me to befriend every person who I have met throughout my entire life. I mean, really. Do I really need to become friends with my hairdresser? the mailman? I felt like I was constantly competing with other people as to who had more friends. So befriending anyone and everyone seemed like the cool way to make my friend circle bigger.

This pretty much sums up why I  can no longer have you in my life, my dearest Facebook. It was nice having you in my life while it lasted, but I am happy to have my privacy and freedom back. I am sure you will be fine since you have a million admirers. Maybe one day I will find it in my heart to reactivate.

Sincerely,

Jess

What is it like being adopted?

I have always wondered what it must be like to have grown up with parents that you can call your own. I know how silly this must sound, but this is something that I have always wondered about since the moment that I was told that I was adopted.

When you are a little kid, you are not really sure what being adopted exactly means, but you believe your adopted mother when she says “You are special, Jess.” “God wanted us to have you.” I remember thinking, “Wow, that is so cool, I was chosen!” Then as you grow up and you learn more about the world around you, your childhood innocence begins to fade ever so slightly.

Going food shopping was a nightmare. I used to look for a resemblance in any couple that passed me in the aisle. I had this plan that I would boldly walk up to them, tap them on the shoulder and say “Exxxxxxcusseeee me, arrrrreeee youuuuu, my real parents?” However, my fear of strangers would kick in and that boldness would subside. As I became a teenager, that need to find my real parents turned into a feeling of “How the hell could you give up your own child?” Then the rebellion kicked in.

As the years passed, I always had that question in the back of my mind. Actually…. many questions.

When I was in high school, my feelings about being adopted would resurface when I would get into a fight with my adopted mother. Unfortunately, I would use my anger about being adopted as a weapon to hurt my mother when she made me angry. When she used to say “I brought you into this world, I can take you out of it.” I would painfully throw back an “Actually, mom, if I am not mistaken, you did not bring me into this world. You just signed the papers” This was followed by a “You ungrateful (followed with a string of profantities)” from my mom. Then from there, I knew to hide at one of my friend’s houses.

Now, I do not want to get into the details of what happened after I made that hurtful statement directed towards my mother. But lets say the aftermath of that statement was not pretty. Lets just say that my mom was an old school italian mother who was born and raised in the Bronx.

Although I loved my mother very much (she passed away when I was 18), I took out my anger about being adopted on her. I don’t know why, but I think sometimes,we do this to the ones that we love or feel the most comfortable with, and I do regret it.

In my early twenties, I had the desire to reach out to the adoption agency. I had always promised my mom that I would never find my biological parents because I considered her to be my real mom. She never discouraged the search, but I knew deep down it hurt her. The thought that I wanted to meet the actual people who gave me up.

The truth is, I did not want to search for them because I wanted to start my life over with my “real” parents, but I, like many other adopted people out there,just want to close that chapter of our lives. You just want to put a face to the image of your parents that you have conjured up in your mind.You want to make sure your parents are not serial killers or something. Thankfully mine are not.

I am going to save my experiences of what it was like to meet my biological mother for another posting, but lets just say that it was a wild roller coaster ride.It was a pretty cool experience. Not what I had experienced,and it came with some dissappointments, but it was worth it.

When are you truly ready to have kids?

My husband and I went out to dinner last night and he looked at me with sincerity in his eyes and stated, out of the blue, “I want to start having kids this summer.” Now, notice this was not posed in the form of a question as to whether or not I am ready just yet to be a mom. It was a “I do not care anymore whether or not you are ready to be a mom, you will give me a god damn child now whether you like it or not” kinda statement. I have been avoiding this discussion and hoping that he would “forget” somehow until I was eventually ready. Well, I was obviously in denial because apparently it is always on his mind since his biological clock it ticking.

To give you a little background, my husband is five years older than I am and has been ready to be a father for the past five years. He has been patiently waiting and has decided that this summer we MUST try to have a baby, no questions asked. Now notice how he has already decided that it is this summer that we will try. I ,on the other-hand, have decided that this summer just is not yet my time. We have been together for 9 years total and have been married for 3 years. We have a beautiful house and both have well paying jobs. The foundation, love and support is there, so there really should not be any question as to whether or not we are ready. Financially, yes, we are ready. Emotionally, yes, we are ready. However, there is something deep down inside me that tells me that I am just not ready yet.

I just cannot exactly place my finger on my reasoning behind why I am not ready. My husband and I started to get into a heated argument last night and it made me feel very guilty. I feel like I should give him exactly what he wants because he is older and we can afford to start a family. My husband loves me,and I know that we would make outstanding parents. So, I really do not know what is preventing me from starting our family. I have decided to compile a list as to why I may not be ready. I wonder if anyone has been through this kind of predicament,and if so, what was the ending result?

These are my reasons:

1. I work full time and already have a difficult time between juggling the responsibilities of being a wife, taking care of our home and keeping up with the demands of being a full time teacher.

2.I am fearful that I will screw up and disappoint my husband when I am a mom.

3.I want to go back to school to get my masters degree.

4.I love to work and if I was a stay at home mom I would lose my mind.

5.I do not want anyone else watching my child while I am working. This would mean that I would have to hire a nanny, and then I would miss out on all of the things that you look forward to when you are a parent: your baby’s first word, first step, etc. etc. I would not be able to live with myself knowing that my child’s nanny was able to witness that before I did. I also wouldn’t want to have to tell my child that I don’t know what their first word was because I was not there to witness it or that their first word was nanny.

6.I do not feel as of right now I am healthy enough to become pregnant. I have heartburn and allergies and I am over weight. I would like to take some time to lose weight and to become healthy before we begin trying.

7.You have to be completely selfless when you are a parent, and I feel as though right now I am not ready to give up my life. I know that may sound selfish, but that does not mean that when I am ready that I will not be selfless because I know I will give my child everything that they need.

8.I think I am just fearful of going through the process of child birth and of becoming a mom.

9.I am fearful of the pains of childbirth!

These are the reasons as to why I am just not ready at this moment to start having children. Now,I feel guilty not giving my husband what he wants, and he and his family constantly question me as to when I am going to start a family. But, how come they do not just give me my space and realize that when I am ready, it will happen?They need to respect my decision and realize that when the time comes, it will happen. As of right now, they are making me feel very guilty with the reason “do you want the baby to have an old father?” Now, mind you, my husband is 33 and I do not think there is anything wrong with a man starting a family in his late thirties. I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens.

My questions to those who are reading this post are:

1.How do you know when you truly are ready?
2.Is being a mom something that you should plan out?
3.Or… is being a mom something that you should not plan out and let it “just happen” as my husband says we should do.

Please give me some input…. It would be greatly appreciated!!!

Do you have ADD? Here are some of the experiences I have dealt with as a person with ADD.

I was diagnosed with A.D.D. at the age of twenty five. I kind of knew that I had it because it is in my family. My brother struggled with the disability and my biological father has it. Anyway, here are some of the things I struggle with and face…… almost on a daily basis!

1.You always lose things: you cannot find your car keys, debit card, and cell phone.
2.When you go to pay at a register you find that you hold up the line because you have to dig through your unorganized purse to find your debit card or cash.
3.You keep your cell on silent because you know you cannot hold your attention long enough to hold a conversation with someone, so this is the easiest way to avoid that type of situation.
4.People have gotten mad at you for interrupting them. You find it extremely annoying when they say to you “Can you just listen?” or ‘Are you listening?”
5.You find that you talk fast or mumble depending on the person you are talking to. When they ask you to repeat yourself it just frustrates you even more, and increases the odds of being more nervous when you speak to them again in the future.
6.You are very creative and have multiple projects that are in the works or are left unfinished.
7.You make promises but break them.
8.You overcompensate to make up for your weaknesses.
9.You have found that your impulsiveness has gotten you in trouble. You do not think before you speak and therefore make the wrong comments sometimes.
10.You have a difficulty maintaining friends because you struggle with following through with plans.
11. You are always late to appointments, but never late to work. It is all about how important it is to you.
12.You have lots of energy. It has benefited you because you come off as being enthusiastic and energetic. However, some take your excessive energy as being hyper or crazy.
13. Your memory is horrible. You go to do something and then you completely forget what it is that you were supposed to be doing.
14.You break promises a lot. This is because you want people to like you. You are so used to people disliking you because of your ADD, so you make promises but then later forget about those promises.
15.You lose your patience quickly.
16.You overreact. You have the tendency to make mountains out of molehills.
17.People constantly tell you to “calm down.”
18.You are obsessive about your writing. You will write something sloppily at first but then will rewrite it until it is perfect.
19.You always have to get the last word in.
20.You hyper focus on certain tasks, but lack in getting other tasks complete.
21.You put things off until the very last minute.
22.You constantly lose things!
23.You also have depression and anxiety.
24. Piles! Piles! Piles!
25. You are a workaholic
26.It is difficult to keep up with your household chores and duties when you work full-time.
27.Meeting deadlines and paying bills on time is a definite struggle!
28. You are unorganized.

Getting Older…

I have noticed that as I get older, my life starts to change. Now, being that I am only twenty eight years old, you would think that your body would not change until you had children or until you are in your late forties. I have not had children yet and am not sure what triggered such a premature change in my health, appearance etc…

Ok, here are a few things that have changed ever since I turned 28. This kind of depresses me because I can only imagine how much my body will change as I get older.

1.I have developed allergies and asthma.
2.I needed to get glasses.
3.Heartburn and acid reflex
4.Inability to stay up past 12 am
5.Joint stiffness…like seriously?
6.Get tired much more easier
7.My idea of a good time is watching t.v. wearing my pjs
8.Not attached to my cellphone like I used to be
9.Don’t care about having a lot of friends. Now it is more about quality over quantity.
10.Chronic sinusitis
11.Gained about 30 lbs and am not concerned about it.
12. Do not place as much emphasis on my appearance in the way of tanning, getting nails done etc. The only good thing is that I have not found a gray hair!
13. I love to knit!

These are just some of the things that I have noticed changed since being in my late twenties. To be honest, it makes me worry about what will happen in my thirties.
Oh well!
I guess this is growing up!

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