Jessica's Mumbo Jumbo

Take a glimpse into the world of an inattentive, oversensitive,hyperactive,& unorganized 33 year old mother with Attention Deficit Disorder!

Archive for the tag “inspiration”

The Struggle is Real: ADD & Motherhood DO NOT MIX!

et

It’s been quite some time since I’ve posted for my blog and I have a very good reason, I promise you! My very last post was approximately written about 3 years ago, yes, I know unacceptable. But please, I beg of you, there is a valid excuse. I became a mom!  In addition to that I have ADD and to throw another responsibility into the mix, I teach Special Education at the high school level. I know, I know, I’m not the only mom out there who has to juggle a multitude of tasks, but to be honest, it’s fucking hard, time-consuming and stressful as hell and I have the utmost respect for those moms who have their shit together. I would give my left leg to have my shit together.

I’m sure many of you non-super-Pinterest-moms out there most likely cannot relate because you are simply amazing, but at least I know that there are other ADD moms out there who can. I’m really going to focus on maintaining my blog because I really need some ” me time.” I honestly don’t care if that sounds the least bit selfish because as a mom, you need that time. My “me”time usually consists of spending time in the bathroom until my three year old, Emma,  begins banging on the door while screaming          “DON’T LEAVE ME MOMMY!” On the top of her fucking lungs! Like seriously I can’t get a moment to breathe. Where the hell does she think I’m going to go? I’m in the bathroom that’s less than a foot away from your room!

I know being a mom with ADD can be super stressful sometimes, (O.K.–most of the time!) but to be quite frank, I would not change it for the world. I love being a mom and the craziness that comes along with the job keeps me on my toes. My daughter is the best thing that has ever happened to me!

Here is a list of my top ten struggles that I face as an ADD mom!!! I hope many of you can relate!

1.I tend to lose a lot of things! There have been MANY instances when I was supposed to fill out a form for Emma’s daycare and I lost the paper–not once, but a few times! Lets just say that I lose my cell, debit card, keys and anything that is considered important on a daily basis. This is an extremely touchy subject for me because losing things causes so much stress in mine and Emma’s life.

2.I am very forgetful! I might forget to bring something to a party at Emma’s school. Sorry kids, I know I signed up to bring in the juice boxes and plates, looks like you will be drinking tap water and eating caveman style! #bannedfromclassparties.  I tend to forget to sign her in and out on the computer at her school in the mornings. I can’t tell you how many times the owner reminds me how this is a safety issue in addition to his way of tracking whether or not I pick her up later than I am supposed to so that he can charge me an additional 5 dollars. I am living off a teacher’s salary for christ’s sake, can’t you cut me a damn break? Those 5 dollars add up quickly. Oh, and filling my gas tank? That is another nightmare. I found myself stranded in the middle of a major highway most recently because I forgot to fill my gas tank!

3.  Did I mention forgetfulness? Don’t get me started. This causes me to be late for EVERYTHING.I lose my keys, forget to grab Emma’s lunchbox or backpack on our way to school in the morning. I have caused us to be locked out of the house for hours. Then when I go to get the spare key that is hidden outside (which my husband hid purposely to prevent this), I suddenly remember that I forgot to put it back in the hiding spot! I forget to pack certain things that Emma may need for school (show and tell items, bathing suit, etc.). Thank god my daughter has a much better memory that I do, she is always there to remind me! “Listen Em, during show and tell, just show everyone your imaginary toy. Then when they say that they cannot see it, tell them they’re nuts). LOL

4.I tend to let her down sometimes. I  forget making promises or plans with her. I am lucky to have such an understanding three-year-old who has developed empathy for my disability.

5.My disorganization and messiness is rubbing off on my daughter and I fear this will continue as she grows up. I have gotten much better over the years because I have learned to stay on top of my piles. I started to put things away throughout the day. However, Emma does not understand the concept of putting her toys away when she is done playing with them nor does she understand the concept of  keeping her room clean. It looks like an explosion went off in her bedroom. There are piles everywhere. Can you say recipe for disaster?

6.Sometimes, I am easily agitated (especially if I forgot to fill my prescription) and when I feel that way, I tend to ignore her or get mad at the smallest things. Especially when she hangs all over me or asks me for something a million times. I fucking LOSE IT!

 7.I tend to lose interest at times when I am engaged in an activity with Emma. This causes her to feel like I am not interested in spending time with her. “Ok, mommy will color with you for a minute.” (one minute into coloring)….. “How about a puzzle now? I have to go do laundry. Sorry kid, looks like you’re on your own.”

8.She really wants a brother or sister, and although I would love to provide her with that, I know I won’t be able to handle the responsibility of having two children. “Sorry Em, it looks like you will have to rely on your cousins for companionship.” Thanks ADD!!

9.Food shopping & cooking!!! I am having some serious anxiety just thinking about this! I could write an entire post solely on the hatred I feel towards food shopping and cooking. THANK GOD my husband is the complete opposite and is like Gordon Ramsay in the kitchen. #lovemyironchef  I fucking hate food shopping and cooking. I just vomitted a little bit in my mouth thinking about it. My heart is literally pounding as a I write this post. When my husband tells me to go food shopping (after we have literally eaten everything in the house), I grit my teeth, nod and smile forcefully. As soon as I enter the grocery store, I am overcome with an instant feeling of panic and confusion. Feelings of anger consume my mind and I shoot nasty texts to my husband. “Why are you making me do this? Is this some sort of punishment?” He has learned to ignore those texts because it is my way of coping. Since I have no system or sense of organization, I just start tossing shit in the cart. When I go to checkout, and the cashier asks for coupons… my answer is always the same “yea.. uhmmmm, I really have to start using those.. if I could only get my shit together”then the cashier asks if I have my savings card… I realize that I lost that a long time ago so I plug in my old cell phone number to retrieve it… because I was too lazy to update the account. And cooking? Do not get me started… Lets just say, it is an absolute nightmare.

10.The one thing that really SUCKS about being a mom and teacher with ADD is getting myself and a toddler ready in the morning, oh, and FORGETFULNESS. Can we say fucking nightmare? My morning consists of hitting the snooze button a thousand times (literally) and rushing around the house like a madman. Dressing my daughter when she is half asleep and having to run to Wawa to buy Emma’s lunch because, well, I didn’t stay on top of the food shopping. On my way out, I realize I forgot Emma’s backpack and run in to get it only to realize I removed my key off my key ring the other day so that I could allow my car to run while I just ran in for something else I forgot. I then go to grab the spare that my husband hid only to find that I forgot to put that back. Sorry Em, looks like you won’t have your blanket or spare clothes today…. make sure you don’t crap your pants and maybe wearing your winter coat is a nice replacement for your blanket during nap-time.

And so here you have it! Just a list that I hope many of you can relate to so that you know you are not alone and that the #struggleisreal

Never forget: You are wonderful and you are doing an amazing job!!!

Advertisements

Oh, Inspiration! I miss you so!

I know that it has been quite a while since I last posted on my blog, and this is highly unlike me, but, unfortunately, I have not felt inspired since I lost my job. I know, it is pathetic of me. And I know what you are thinking…. “Come on Jess! Just move on and get over it already!” “I am sick of reading your depressing posts.” LOL… But… I just want to see if anyone can relate to what it is that I am currently feeling. If you find that you can relate, then maybe you can help me to learn how to feel inspired again.

If there is one thing that I learned from losing something that I loved (that being my job), is that when you love something, it inspires you to do things that you never thought that you had the capability of doing. This may sound a little corny, and I know I have always associated feeling inspiration with human relationships, but I never thought a job would inspire me. ever. Not in a trillion years.

I have always been a “workaholic” my whole life and have held many jobs. Out of all of the jobs that I have had in the past, I never once felt an ounce of inspiration, happiness or contentment. That was of course true, until I became a teacher. With this new found happiness and contentment came new found inspiration. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING has ever made me feel inspired until I became a teacher. Screw the ADD medicine that I have taken my whole life to help me with motivation. My teaching job was my drug and it truly inspired me.

I loved being a teacher and actually looked forward to coming to work each and everyday. It did not feel like a job when I was in the classroom teaching. I knew that I was contributing to society and making the world a better place. With that being said, I felt content when I left work everyday and went home. I thought to myself, “Wow, I finally found my calling and am changing students’ lives.”
I thought to myself THIS IS WHAT I WORKED SO HARD TO ACHIEVE. TO MAKE OTHERS’ LIVES BETTER. TO TEACH. INSPIRE. I can finally be happy.

Being a teacher inspired me in so many ways. When you work with teenagers, you learn to appreciate life more. I was inspired to love my life all over again, and to remember what it is like to be young again. I loved seeing my students’ succeed, and achieve accomplishments. I loved providing them with a safe place to go to everyday. I inspired them to reach goals that they never had, and they did the same for me.

Out of no where, (and this literally came out of left field), I felt inspired to start new hobbies. When I was teaching, I started to get involved in a plethora of activities and hobbies. I taught myself how to knit, create jewelry out of recycled materials, and paint. I also started doing photography and even created my very own blog. I started to exercise (well, Jazzercise) —–and I hate exercising! I felt so content with my life and extremely happy, that I felt inspired to try new hobbies and to learn new things.

For some strange reason, all of that inspiration has vanished and I wish it would return. For a person like myself, with ADD, to learn all of these new hobbies was groundbreaking. Unfortunately, as we all may know, not all good things can last forever.

After losing my teaching job, I have not even felt an ounce of inspiration to do much of anything, and I know many people are becoming frustrated with me. I have not even attempted to search for a new teaching job, and my resume remains outdated in a file in my computer as we speak. I feel that it will stay that way for a while. Why wouldn’t I want these feelings of contenment, inspiration and happiness to return? Beats me.

Is it because I feel like I failed miserably at something? Do I fear that I will fail again? How can a job suck the life and inspiration out of you. This summer, I have not knitted, created jewelry,looked for a job, taken photos, or anything of the sort. I have not written on my blog in months! You guys are my witnesses! Even my husband does not understand, and finds my behavior baffling. He says “Jess, your life is not bad. I know what you are capable of.”And the crazy thing is…. I know that he is right!

I just have this feeling deep down within. It is not a sad feeling, but just an uninspired feeling. A feeling that my inspiration is gone and will never return. I want that feeling to come back so that I can start doing all of those things that I loved doing. Has anyone felt this way before? Can you relate?

Deep Cut Gardens

Last summer, my friend (who is also into photography) asked me to accompany her to a park in New Jersey called “Deep Cut Gardens” to take some photos. At first, I was a little hesitant to go because I didn’t think that I could get any great photos.

When I think of parks, I think of little kids running around screaming, a germ infested playground, a sandbox filled with children, gossiping mothers,miserable babysitters, proud parents, soccer moms, soccer games, ice-cream trucks and ice cream wrappers etc. etc. Oh, and lets not forget that this was in the middle of August and it was nearly 93 degrees outside. So, this was not very tempting at the time!

Then I thought, heck, why not, I could add some photos of families to the good ole portfolio. When we arrived there, I was in awe. It was not like any other typical park, nor was it like any other park that I had ever been to previously.

This park was amazingly beautiful. I mean STUNNING! If you ever have a chance to visit NJ, you must visit Deep Cut Gardens. It is 54 acres of beautiful trees, flowers and green houses. A photographer’s dream! I could not stop snapping photos!

I have attached the link, so check out the photos on the website. I am also attaching two photos of mine that I had taken when I was there.

Enjoy! I hope you embark on the journey to Deep Cut Gardens! It is absolutely gorgeous!

http://www.monmouthcountyparks.com/page.aspx?Id=2518

 

Do what you love….

One of my fellow coworkers just recently quit her job teaching because she wants to do what she loves,to be a mom. We were all betting money that she would not come back since she took a year off. Then the news spread like wild-fire that she was no longer going to continue being an English teacher at our school. I kind of new that from the get-go. It is really not such a difficult choice.

On the outside, she seemed to be VERY happy teaching at our school.She was so happy that it made you wonder what you were doing incorrectly, and made you question whether or not teaching was the right career choice for you. She kind of made you feel unhuman or crazy because you actually showed that you were unhappy about a student telling you off, or ticked off at your supervisor and overwhelmed at times. However, looks can be deceiving.

Yes, on the outside, she seemed to be perfect, but a little too perfect. I knew that no one could be that perfect, and that behind that fake facade was really someone who hated her job. I knew it was just a matter of time. After she quit, I found out more about who she truly is as a person by reading her blog. It is strange how you can work with someone for years and know nothing about them, until you read their blog. Turns out that she DREADED teaching and started having anxiety about returning in September. It kind of gave me a piece of mind. I thought to myself…ok I am not crazy after all. It is the ones who act normal that are truly crazy!! SUCCESS!

She inspired me to pursue doing the things that I love. Since teaching is such a demanding and time consuming job, you have to dedicate A LOT of your time and you have the tendency to forget what is truly important in life.–Taking care of yourself and enjoying time with your family and friends, and most importantly.–doing the things that you love. My coworker now blogs daily, does photography, jogs, cuts hair, travels and hangs with her friends. Many of the things that I wish I could do too. Let me not forget…She even posted a picture of herself having drinks with her friends on Facebook! A major no-no for teachers. Heck, I have not been able to do that since college!

But to get to my point, I could never think about quitting my teaching job. I actually look forward to going in everyday and am very excited about teaching my “kids.”Yes, I consider them to be my children.

Although I love my teaching job, and cannot picture myself doing anything else, I have those days when I feel unappreciated and feel mentally abused so-to-speak. However, the good days, teachable moments and the reminders from students that you are a great teacher are what make my job worthwhile. Despite the fact that I cannot picture myself doing anything else, I have been feeling inspired to do what I love. I have a very creative mind and love, love, love to create things. I just wonder what would I be able to actually accomplish if I had the time to invest in creating more….becoming an entrepreneur.

I create bottle cap jewelry, knit, and do photography. I truly LOVE doing these things and, I wish that I could start my own business somehow…someway…someday. It truly is an investment of time ,and I am not sure if I am ready just yet to actually do what I love when I am still in love with my current position. I guess I will have to wait until I completely fall out of love with being a teacher to pursue my other love, but who knows how long that will be…. and who knows if that will ever really happen…. I guess we will have to wait and see….

Blogging about Blogging….

Hello, Fellow Bloggers!!! And, of course, those who have happened to come across my blog while surfing the net! Allow me to introduce myself…. I am ,what I would like to call ,a “Blog Virgin,” being that I have never actually had my own blog before. I have always been the reader of blogs; not the actual owner of one.

I have always desired to have my own blog some day, but had never actually gotten around to creating one due to the distractions of life! Everyday, although a new day, is the same routine day in and day out. I have decided now that I need to do something to make my days more interesting. My blog will serve as an outlet from the daily mundane tasks of life. I have come to the conclusion that I need some more “me” time, and, well, a place to vent of course! I have personally found that I can’t vent to my coworkers because then … well.. that would get me into a lot of trouble. I can’t vent about my husband to my husband because ..well… you get my point.

Blogging was definitely the much more appealing choice of the two, and I wanted to avoid ruining my life at all costs! I am not exactly too sure about how this whole blogging situation works, however, I do hope that I do not actually find myself being too dissapointed by it. For instance, what if those who read my blog hate my posts? Or.. what if people find my blog to be, well, lets say, uninteresting? I know, I sound a little pessimistic about blogging, and I am sure you are thinking to your self…”Geez lady! it is just blogging! There are other things in life to worry about and to be negative about.”

Well, take a look at it from my perspective…..When you create a blog, you are putting yourself out there.. your thoughts, feelings, opinions… You make yourself vulnerable to others’ opinions, criticisms and thoughts about your posts. I am sure (and a majority of you bloggers will agree) that as you are blogging, you have that fear stored in the back of your mind—- worrying about what others are thinking about your posts. Questions running through your mind: Will they take this personal? disagree? tick them off? love it? hate it? blah.blah.blah.

So, my advice to you, fellow bloggers, is to: FEAR NOT! Do not fear that your readers will think poorly of your posts or that you might offend them, because, if you do, your blogs will not come genuinely from your heart…….

Be sure to…….

Avoid sugarcoating your posts…..

Blog your little heart out.

Blog as if your life depended on the post.

Blog about what makes you angry…. sad…happy…inspired..motivated!

Be sure to use a pseudonym for yourself and pseudonames for others in your posts to avoid getting jumped…lol

Blog.

Blog.

Blog.

For, if you do not let your walls down, and truly blog without the fear of the unknown.. you have truly never blogged before.

I hope new bloggers will embark on this exciting journey with me as a blogging virgin!!!

CARPE DIEM!!!

Post Navigation