Oh, Inspiration! I miss you so!
I know that it has been quite a while since I last posted on my blog, and this is highly unlike me, but, unfortunately, I have not felt inspired since I lost my job. I know, it is pathetic of me. And I know what you are thinking…. “Come on Jess! Just move on and get over it already!” “I am sick of reading your depressing posts.” LOL… But… I just want to see if anyone can relate to what it is that I am currently feeling. If you find that you can relate, then maybe you can help me to learn how to feel inspired again.
If there is one thing that I learned from losing something that I loved (that being my job), is that when you love something, it inspires you to do things that you never thought that you had the capability of doing. This may sound a little corny, and I know I have always associated feeling inspiration with human relationships, but I never thought a job would inspire me. ever. Not in a trillion years.
I have always been a “workaholic” my whole life and have held many jobs. Out of all of the jobs that I have had in the past, I never once felt an ounce of inspiration, happiness or contentment. That was of course true, until I became a teacher. With this new found happiness and contentment came new found inspiration. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING has ever made me feel inspired until I became a teacher. Screw the ADD medicine that I have taken my whole life to help me with motivation. My teaching job was my drug and it truly inspired me.
I loved being a teacher and actually looked forward to coming to work each and everyday. It did not feel like a job when I was in the classroom teaching. I knew that I was contributing to society and making the world a better place. With that being said, I felt content when I left work everyday and went home. I thought to myself, “Wow, I finally found my calling and am changing students’ lives.”
I thought to myself THIS IS WHAT I WORKED SO HARD TO ACHIEVE. TO MAKE OTHERS’ LIVES BETTER. TO TEACH. INSPIRE. I can finally be happy.
Being a teacher inspired me in so many ways. When you work with teenagers, you learn to appreciate life more. I was inspired to love my life all over again, and to remember what it is like to be young again. I loved seeing my students’ succeed, and achieve accomplishments. I loved providing them with a safe place to go to everyday. I inspired them to reach goals that they never had, and they did the same for me.
Out of no where, (and this literally came out of left field), I felt inspired to start new hobbies. When I was teaching, I started to get involved in a plethora of activities and hobbies. I taught myself how to knit, create jewelry out of recycled materials, and paint. I also started doing photography and even created my very own blog. I started to exercise (well, Jazzercise) —–and I hate exercising! I felt so content with my life and extremely happy, that I felt inspired to try new hobbies and to learn new things.
For some strange reason, all of that inspiration has vanished and I wish it would return. For a person like myself, with ADD, to learn all of these new hobbies was groundbreaking. Unfortunately, as we all may know, not all good things can last forever.
After losing my teaching job, I have not even felt an ounce of inspiration to do much of anything, and I know many people are becoming frustrated with me. I have not even attempted to search for a new teaching job, and my resume remains outdated in a file in my computer as we speak. I feel that it will stay that way for a while. Why wouldn’t I want these feelings of contenment, inspiration and happiness to return? Beats me.
Is it because I feel like I failed miserably at something? Do I fear that I will fail again? How can a job suck the life and inspiration out of you. This summer, I have not knitted, created jewelry,looked for a job, taken photos, or anything of the sort. I have not written on my blog in months! You guys are my witnesses! Even my husband does not understand, and finds my behavior baffling. He says “Jess, your life is not bad. I know what you are capable of.”And the crazy thing is…. I know that he is right!
I just have this feeling deep down within. It is not a sad feeling, but just an uninspired feeling. A feeling that my inspiration is gone and will never return. I want that feeling to come back so that I can start doing all of those things that I loved doing. Has anyone felt this way before? Can you relate?