Jessica's Mumbo Jumbo

Take a glimpse into the world of an inattentive, oversensitive,hyperactive,& unorganized 33 year old mother with Attention Deficit Disorder!

Archive for the month “March, 2012”

When are you truly ready to have kids?

My husband and I went out to dinner last night and he looked at me with sincerity in his eyes and stated, out of the blue, “I want to start having kids this summer.” Now, notice this was not posed in the form of a question as to whether or not I am ready just yet to be a mom. It was a “I do not care anymore whether or not you are ready to be a mom, you will give me a god damn child now whether you like it or not” kinda statement. I have been avoiding this discussion and hoping that he would “forget” somehow until I was eventually ready. Well, I was obviously in denial because apparently it is always on his mind since his biological clock it ticking.

To give you a little background, my husband is five years older than I am and has been ready to be a father for the past five years. He has been patiently waiting and has decided that this summer we MUST try to have a baby, no questions asked. Now notice how he has already decided that it is this summer that we will try. I ,on the other-hand, have decided that this summer just is not yet my time. We have been together for 9 years total and have been married for 3 years. We have a beautiful house and both have well paying jobs. The foundation, love and support is there, so there really should not be any question as to whether or not we are ready. Financially, yes, we are ready. Emotionally, yes, we are ready. However, there is something deep down inside me that tells me that I am just not ready yet.

I just cannot exactly place my finger on my reasoning behind why I am not ready. My husband and I started to get into a heated argument last night and it made me feel very guilty. I feel like I should give him exactly what he wants because he is older and we can afford to start a family. My husband loves me,and I know that we would make outstanding parents. So, I really do not know what is preventing me from starting our family. I have decided to compile a list as to why I may not be ready. I wonder if anyone has been through this kind of predicament,and if so, what was the ending result?

These are my reasons:

1. I work full time and already have a difficult time between juggling the responsibilities of being a wife, taking care of our home and keeping up with the demands of being a full time teacher.

2.I am fearful that I will screw up and disappoint my husband when I am a mom.

3.I want to go back to school to get my masters degree.

4.I love to work and if I was a stay at home mom I would lose my mind.

5.I do not want anyone else watching my child while I am working. This would mean that I would have to hire a nanny, and then I would miss out on all of the things that you look forward to when you are a parent: your baby’s first word, first step, etc. etc. I would not be able to live with myself knowing that my child’s nanny was able to witness that before I did. I also wouldn’t want to have to tell my child that I don’t know what their first word was because I was not there to witness it or that their first word was nanny.

6.I do not feel as of right now I am healthy enough to become pregnant. I have heartburn and allergies and I am over weight. I would like to take some time to lose weight and to become healthy before we begin trying.

7.You have to be completely selfless when you are a parent, and I feel as though right now I am not ready to give up my life. I know that may sound selfish, but that does not mean that when I am ready that I will not be selfless because I know I will give my child everything that they need.

8.I think I am just fearful of going through the process of child birth and of becoming a mom.

9.I am fearful of the pains of childbirth!

These are the reasons as to why I am just not ready at this moment to start having children. Now,I feel guilty not giving my husband what he wants, and he and his family constantly question me as to when I am going to start a family. But, how come they do not just give me my space and realize that when I am ready, it will happen?They need to respect my decision and realize that when the time comes, it will happen. As of right now, they are making me feel very guilty with the reason “do you want the baby to have an old father?” Now, mind you, my husband is 33 and I do not think there is anything wrong with a man starting a family in his late thirties. I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens.

My questions to those who are reading this post are:

1.How do you know when you truly are ready?
2.Is being a mom something that you should plan out?
3.Or… is being a mom something that you should not plan out and let it “just happen” as my husband says we should do.

Please give me some input…. It would be greatly appreciated!!!

Do you have ADD? Here are some of the experiences I have dealt with as a person with ADD.

I was diagnosed with A.D.D. at the age of twenty five. I kind of knew that I had it because it is in my family. My brother struggled with the disability and my biological father has it. Anyway, here are some of the things I struggle with and face…… almost on a daily basis!

1.You always lose things: you cannot find your car keys, debit card, and cell phone.
2.When you go to pay at a register you find that you hold up the line because you have to dig through your unorganized purse to find your debit card or cash.
3.You keep your cell on silent because you know you cannot hold your attention long enough to hold a conversation with someone, so this is the easiest way to avoid that type of situation.
4.People have gotten mad at you for interrupting them. You find it extremely annoying when they say to you “Can you just listen?” or ‘Are you listening?”
5.You find that you talk fast or mumble depending on the person you are talking to. When they ask you to repeat yourself it just frustrates you even more, and increases the odds of being more nervous when you speak to them again in the future.
6.You are very creative and have multiple projects that are in the works or are left unfinished.
7.You make promises but break them.
8.You overcompensate to make up for your weaknesses.
9.You have found that your impulsiveness has gotten you in trouble. You do not think before you speak and therefore make the wrong comments sometimes.
10.You have a difficulty maintaining friends because you struggle with following through with plans.
11. You are always late to appointments, but never late to work. It is all about how important it is to you.
12.You have lots of energy. It has benefited you because you come off as being enthusiastic and energetic. However, some take your excessive energy as being hyper or crazy.
13. Your memory is horrible. You go to do something and then you completely forget what it is that you were supposed to be doing.
14.You break promises a lot. This is because you want people to like you. You are so used to people disliking you because of your ADD, so you make promises but then later forget about those promises.
15.You lose your patience quickly.
16.You overreact. You have the tendency to make mountains out of molehills.
17.People constantly tell you to “calm down.”
18.You are obsessive about your writing. You will write something sloppily at first but then will rewrite it until it is perfect.
19.You always have to get the last word in.
20.You hyper focus on certain tasks, but lack in getting other tasks complete.
21.You put things off until the very last minute.
22.You constantly lose things!
23.You also have depression and anxiety.
24. Piles! Piles! Piles!
25. You are a workaholic
26.It is difficult to keep up with your household chores and duties when you work full-time.
27.Meeting deadlines and paying bills on time is a definite struggle!
28. You are unorganized.

Getting Older…

I have noticed that as I get older, my life starts to change. Now, being that I am only twenty eight years old, you would think that your body would not change until you had children or until you are in your late forties. I have not had children yet and am not sure what triggered such a premature change in my health, appearance etc…

Ok, here are a few things that have changed ever since I turned 28. This kind of depresses me because I can only imagine how much my body will change as I get older.

1.I have developed allergies and asthma.
2.I needed to get glasses.
3.Heartburn and acid reflex
4.Inability to stay up past 12 am
5.Joint stiffness…like seriously?
6.Get tired much more easier
7.My idea of a good time is watching t.v. wearing my pjs
8.Not attached to my cellphone like I used to be
9.Don’t care about having a lot of friends. Now it is more about quality over quantity.
10.Chronic sinusitis
11.Gained about 30 lbs and am not concerned about it.
12. Do not place as much emphasis on my appearance in the way of tanning, getting nails done etc. The only good thing is that I have not found a gray hair!
13. I love to knit!

These are just some of the things that I have noticed changed since being in my late twenties. To be honest, it makes me worry about what will happen in my thirties.
Oh well!
I guess this is growing up!

Caring too much…

Since when is caring too much considered to be such a bad thing? Especially when you are a Special Education Teacher? You always see those mugs and knickknacks in the stores that say “great teachers teach from the heart, not a book,” “teachers have a heart of gold” …blah, blah, blah, blah…. One of the main reasons why I decided to become a teacher was because I have a huge heart, and I knew that my students would benefit from this greatly. I have been told many times that I wear my heart on my sleeve and that I have a heart of gold. I have always thought that these were special qualities that have always made me stand out amongst the rest. Apparently, caring too much, putting yourself out there, and making yourself available for kids means that you are not doing your job and that you are a bad teacher. That was not directly stated yet inferred.

According to the “higher ups” in my district, you should be more “business like.” Now, I am not saying that I want to be friends with my students, or that I let them get away with things. I make myself available when my students need someone to talk to, a place to eat lunch, or a place to do their homework after school. If a student needs me to walk with them in the hall from the cafeteria to cool down because they need someone to talk them out of a fight,well, then I am there. If a student’s grandparent dies, I will be their shoulder to cry on. If a student becomes frustrated with their life and school, and they are on the verge of dropping out, I will be the one to encourage them to continue getting their education.

However, what the “higher-ups” fail to realize is that caring too much is what these kids truly need. You see, through my experiences working with special education students, I have learned so much about their lives and about life itself .They come from broken homes where school is an escape from their problems. It is a second home for them. If there would be more teachers like me, who “care too much” , well, then maybe kids would refrain from dropping out.

Those who went into teaching for all of the wrong reasons are the ones who barely do enough to get by. Then there are the caring teachers who unfortunately become jaded because of all the negativity they face. Many fail to realize that you cannot be a teacher if you do not care.

Those are the teachers that need to be told, “you are not doing your job, you need to care more about kids, you need to put yourself out there.” Well, it unfortunately does not work this way in education. From what I have witnessed, if you do enough to just get by,do not care and do not put yourself out there for kids, well, then, hey.. you are doing an excellent job. Because if you care too much, “counsel” kids and are there for them, well, then you are a horrible, horrible, teacher. Which is absolutely ridiculous and absurd in my eyes.

Education has turned into a businesslike atmosphere where the board of education has to worry about the budget, making parents happy, making adequate yearly progress and making sure that the school district looks good by keeping their drop out rates, standardized test scores and bullying numbers at the expected standard.

Those higher-ups and teachers who teach for their summers off are the ones at fault because they fail to realize that if the good teachers were valued and encouraged to care then students would be more likely to stay in school and the school environment would be much more positive .

They are at fault because they need teachers that care too much. They need teachers who put themselves out there for the kids and who want to see them succeed. Let those board of ed. administrators step into my classroom and teach kids who come from broken homes, who never eat breakfast, do not have parents, and struggle with depression. Then they can come back and tell me whether or not teaching without caring and in a more business like fashion is the way to get through to those kids. Because if this is what they think their district needs in order to avoid causing rifts with parents etc., well, then they have another thing coming. These kids need more teachers who care. Whether they care a little or too much, it does not matter. They need someone who they know truly cares about them because, more than likely, they are not being cared about at home.
I am going to continue caring too much because when you care about your students, they are willing to work harder for you. They are willing to put all of their problems aside for the entire class period, all because they know that you have taken a true interest in their well-being. There needs to be more teachers,like me, who care too much.

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