A.D.D., Uncategorized

The Struggle is Real: ADD & Motherhood DO NOT MIX!

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It’s been quite some time since I’ve posted for my blog and I have a very good reason, I promise you! My very last post was approximately written about 3 years ago, yes, I know unacceptable. But please, I beg of you, there is a valid excuse. I became a mom!  In addition to that I have ADD and to throw another responsibility into the mix, I teach Special Education at the high school level. I know, I know, I’m not the only mom out there who has to juggle a multitude of tasks, but to be honest, it’s fucking hard, time-consuming and stressful as hell and I have the utmost respect for those moms who have their shit together. I would give my left leg to have my shit together.

I’m sure many of you non-super-Pinterest-moms out there most likely cannot relate because you are simply amazing, but at least I know that there are other ADD moms out there who can. I’m really going to focus on maintaining my blog because I really need some ” me time.” I honestly don’t care if that sounds the least bit selfish because as a mom, you need that time. My “me”time usually consists of spending time in the bathroom until my three year old, Emma,  begins banging on the door while screaming          “DON’T LEAVE ME MOMMY!” On the top of her fucking lungs! Like seriously I can’t get a moment to breathe. Where the hell does she think I’m going to go? I’m in the bathroom that’s less than a foot away from your room!

I know being a mom with ADD can be super stressful sometimes, (O.K.–most of the time!) but to be quite frank, I would not change it for the world. I love being a mom and the craziness that comes along with the job keeps me on my toes. My daughter is the best thing that has ever happened to me!

Here is a list of my top ten struggles that I face as an ADD mom!!! I hope many of you can relate!

1.I tend to lose a lot of things! There have been MANY instances when I was supposed to fill out a form for Emma’s daycare and I lost the paper–not once, but a few times! Lets just say that I lose my cell, debit card, keys and anything that is considered important on a daily basis. This is an extremely touchy subject for me because losing things causes so much stress in mine and Emma’s life.

2.I am very forgetful! I might forget to bring something to a party at Emma’s school. Sorry kids, I know I signed up to bring in the juice boxes and plates, looks like you will be drinking tap water and eating caveman style! #bannedfromclassparties.  I tend to forget to sign her in and out on the computer at her school in the mornings. I can’t tell you how many times the owner reminds me how this is a safety issue in addition to his way of tracking whether or not I pick her up later than I am supposed to so that he can charge me an additional 5 dollars. I am living off a teacher’s salary for christ’s sake, can’t you cut me a damn break? Those 5 dollars add up quickly. Oh, and filling my gas tank? That is another nightmare. I found myself stranded in the middle of a major highway most recently because I forgot to fill my gas tank!

3.  Did I mention forgetfulness? Don’t get me started. This causes me to be late for EVERYTHING.I lose my keys, forget to grab Emma’s lunchbox or backpack on our way to school in the morning. I have caused us to be locked out of the house for hours. Then when I go to get the spare key that is hidden outside (which my husband hid purposely to prevent this), I suddenly remember that I forgot to put it back in the hiding spot! I forget to pack certain things that Emma may need for school (show and tell items, bathing suit, etc.). Thank god my daughter has a much better memory that I do, she is always there to remind me! “Listen Em, during show and tell, just show everyone your imaginary toy. Then when they say that they cannot see it, tell them they’re nuts). LOL

4.I tend to let her down sometimes. I  forget making promises or plans with her. I am lucky to have such an understanding three-year-old who has developed empathy for my disability.

5.My disorganization and messiness is rubbing off on my daughter and I fear this will continue as she grows up. I have gotten much better over the years because I have learned to stay on top of my piles. I started to put things away throughout the day. However, Emma does not understand the concept of putting her toys away when she is done playing with them nor does she understand the concept of  keeping her room clean. It looks like an explosion went off in her bedroom. There are piles everywhere. Can you say recipe for disaster?

6.Sometimes, I am easily agitated (especially if I forgot to fill my prescription) and when I feel that way, I tend to ignore her or get mad at the smallest things. Especially when she hangs all over me or asks me for something a million times. I fucking LOSE IT!

 7.I tend to lose interest at times when I am engaged in an activity with Emma. This causes her to feel like I am not interested in spending time with her. “Ok, mommy will color with you for a minute.” (one minute into coloring)….. “How about a puzzle now? I have to go do laundry. Sorry kid, looks like you’re on your own.”

8.She really wants a brother or sister, and although I would love to provide her with that, I know I won’t be able to handle the responsibility of having two children. “Sorry Em, it looks like you will have to rely on your cousins for companionship.” Thanks ADD!!

9.Food shopping & cooking!!! I am having some serious anxiety just thinking about this! I could write an entire post solely on the hatred I feel towards food shopping and cooking. THANK GOD my husband is the complete opposite and is like Gordon Ramsay in the kitchen. #lovemyironchef  I fucking hate food shopping and cooking. I just vomitted a little bit in my mouth thinking about it. My heart is literally pounding as a I write this post. When my husband tells me to go food shopping (after we have literally eaten everything in the house), I grit my teeth, nod and smile forcefully. As soon as I enter the grocery store, I am overcome with an instant feeling of panic and confusion. Feelings of anger consume my mind and I shoot nasty texts to my husband. “Why are you making me do this? Is this some sort of punishment?” He has learned to ignore those texts because it is my way of coping. Since I have no system or sense of organization, I just start tossing shit in the cart. When I go to checkout, and the cashier asks for coupons… my answer is always the same “yea.. uhmmmm, I really have to start using those.. if I could only get my shit together”then the cashier asks if I have my savings card… I realize that I lost that a long time ago so I plug in my old cell phone number to retrieve it… because I was too lazy to update the account. And cooking? Do not get me started… Lets just say, it is an absolute nightmare.

10.The one thing that really SUCKS about being a mom and teacher with ADD is getting myself and a toddler ready in the morning, oh, and FORGETFULNESS. Can we say fucking nightmare? My morning consists of hitting the snooze button a thousand times (literally) and rushing around the house like a madman. Dressing my daughter when she is half asleep and having to run to Wawa to buy Emma’s lunch because, well, I didn’t stay on top of the food shopping. On my way out, I realize I forgot Emma’s backpack and run in to get it only to realize I removed my key off my key ring the other day so that I could allow my car to run while I just ran in for something else I forgot. I then go to grab the spare that my husband hid only to find that I forgot to put that back. Sorry Em, looks like you won’t have your blanket or spare clothes today…. make sure you don’t crap your pants and maybe wearing your winter coat is a nice replacement for your blanket during nap-time.

And so here you have it! Just a list that I hope many of you can relate to so that you know you are not alone and that the #struggleisreal

Never forget: You are wonderful and you are doing an amazing job!!!

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Life!, Pregnancy

“You’re (not) Glowing!”

If I received a dollar for each and every time someone said to me “You’re glowing!” I would be friggin’ rich. Every time someone tells me that I am glowing, I reach for my mirror in a desperate attempt to try to see what it is exactly that the other person is seeing. After taking a quick glance of my pregnant face, I think to myself, “How the HELL am I glowing?” I mean really…… I have acne, a double chin, a chubby face, and a fat ass. Sometimes I think people just say that because they think it is what should be said to all pregnant women. My step mother even got me a shirt that says “You glow girl!” for christ’s sake. And do you think I am actually out there proudly sportin’ that shirt? HELL NO. I sure as hell do not want to attract any more attention to myself than I already receive. When I am out in public, people are constantly gawking at me like I have three heads, like they have never seen a pregnant woman before…. No this is not a beer gut. 

Trust me, I am ecstatic and feel blessed that I am pregnant, and I am by no means trying to be cynical… but I just do not see this “glow” that people supposedly see when they look at me…I mean, come on. really…. how the HELL am I glowing?? Is it the extra oil on my face that my pregnant body keeps producing?  I have gained 50 lbs already, my boobs are triple the size they once were, my face has completely filled in, I sweat like a horse, I am always out of breath, I get acne like a hormonal teenager, and my pants are bursting at the seems..lol. I think it is really sweet that people compliment me, but I really wish I could see this so called “glow” that they see because I sure as hell do not see it! lol.  

A.D.D., blogging, Life!

My Real Excuse for Lack of Blog Posts….

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I apologize to all of my followers for my lack of blog posts, but so much has been going on in my life that posting has been the least that has been on my mind. It is crazy how much your life can change so drastically in the matter of a few months! But what is my real excuse for my lack of blog posts you ask?

Well, as I have previously shared with you on here a few months ago… I was diagnosed with Bipolar and ADD about 5 years ago, and was on medication during that time frame. (Yea, yea, I am crazy and proud of it!) After I lost my job and was beyond depressed (which I did not think was possible since I was on damn antidepressants!), I found out I am pregnant! Yup, that is right! As of right now, I am 19 weeks pregnant and am due at the end of April! Back in August, I was feeling nauseous and tired as hell and I just figured it was because of my depression. That was until I took a pregnancy test and it came out positive! The next day I stopped taking all of my meds cold turkey!!! I know that is dangerous to do, but there is no way I was going to be taking Lamictal, Vyvanse and Lexapro while pregnant! I would be a horrible mother if I fed that to my fetus!! lol. I made the decision that it is more important to have a healthy baby born birth defect free rather than give birth to a baby who is dependent on psychiotic drugs with birth defects. That would absolutely kill me inside!  I have decided that I am strong enough to fight my depression for 9 months for the sake of the baby’s health.

I am not going to lie though.. Not being on my medication has changed my life drastically. Not only does my body have to fight having a mental illness and adjust being med. free… It also has to adjust to the rollercoaster ride of emotions and the crazy change in hormones that coincide with pregnancy. Talk about a freaking nightmare.

As you can see, it has been about 5 months since I have actually posted, and this is because my days pretty much have consisted of sleeping, eating and crying. When you are not on medication when your brain really needs it, it is definitely tough. Medication makes me normal. It also gives me my life back, When I was on my medication, I looked forward to blogging, knitting, photography and creating jewelry. However, when you are a bipolar pregnant woman, you could really care less about anything. The only thing I really cared about was taking care of my growing baby inside me which I truly feel is a gift from god. You know what? I truly feel that god gives us the gift of a child when we truly need it. I have seen this happen so many times to a number of people in my life. It took my husband and I one year until we got pregnant, and it could not have been at a better time.

After losing a job that I loved, I was fighting depression, and knowing that I have something to live for truly gives me a reason to wake up everyday.This baby gives me a reason to live, to take care of myself and to keep looking forward.  I thank god everyday for this blessing.

I only have about four more months left until I can truly feel like myself again, and I am proud of how far I have come. Having a mental illness is definitely a daily struggle, and I have to fight it in order to have a normal day. I never realized that until I saw the sadness in my husband’s eyes when he desperately said to me ” I miss Jess. I miss your smile, your laugh and your happiness.” “I am proud of you for fighting your bipolar and ADD without your medicine, but it has been so tough.” He even made a good point. He said “You cannot stop living your life. You used to laugh so much and smile. You used to enjoy posting on your blog!” He continued, “You are stronger than this! You cannot just sleep all of the time and do nothing. Whether you like it or not, you are a mother right now.” 

I looked down at my stomach and it had not clicked in my mind before that moment. He was right. Although the baby is not physically in my arms just yet, I became a mother the moment I conceived and what kind of mother just wastes their days feeling sorry for themselves? I made a promise right then and there that I would fight harder for my husband and our baby.

And so, here I am feeling better after our chat and finally accomplishing a task that I would have normally done when I was feeling like myself. Although I still have a few more months to go before I am myself again, I think the more I fight my illness, keep a normal routine, and do the things I once loved, I will be able to find happiness again without having to rely on medication to alter the chemicals in my brain. Well, there you have it. Prior to this post, my real excuse for my lack of blog posts is all because I have been fighting my depression and Bipolar, but obviously not hard enough. I think this blog post truly shows my commitment to fighting this illness on my own while I attempt to become normal again and gain my life back.

 

Life!

Oh, Inspiration! I miss you so!

I know that it has been quite a while since I last posted on my blog, and this is highly unlike me, but, unfortunately, I have not felt inspired since I lost my job. I know, it is pathetic of me. And I know what you are thinking…. “Come on Jess! Just move on and get over it already!” “I am sick of reading your depressing posts.” LOL… But… I just want to see if anyone can relate to what it is that I am currently feeling. If you find that you can relate, then maybe you can help me to learn how to feel inspired again.

If there is one thing that I learned from losing something that I loved (that being my job), is that when you love something, it inspires you to do things that you never thought that you had the capability of doing. This may sound a little corny, and I know I have always associated feeling inspiration with human relationships, but I never thought a job would inspire me. ever. Not in a trillion years.

I have always been a “workaholic” my whole life and have held many jobs. Out of all of the jobs that I have had in the past, I never once felt an ounce of inspiration, happiness or contentment. That was of course true, until I became a teacher. With this new found happiness and contentment came new found inspiration. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING has ever made me feel inspired until I became a teacher. Screw the ADD medicine that I have taken my whole life to help me with motivation. My teaching job was my drug and it truly inspired me.

I loved being a teacher and actually looked forward to coming to work each and everyday. It did not feel like a job when I was in the classroom teaching. I knew that I was contributing to society and making the world a better place. With that being said, I felt content when I left work everyday and went home. I thought to myself, “Wow, I finally found my calling and am changing students’ lives.”
I thought to myself THIS IS WHAT I WORKED SO HARD TO ACHIEVE. TO MAKE OTHERS’ LIVES BETTER. TO TEACH. INSPIRE. I can finally be happy.

Being a teacher inspired me in so many ways. When you work with teenagers, you learn to appreciate life more. I was inspired to love my life all over again, and to remember what it is like to be young again. I loved seeing my students’ succeed, and achieve accomplishments. I loved providing them with a safe place to go to everyday. I inspired them to reach goals that they never had, and they did the same for me.

Out of no where, (and this literally came out of left field), I felt inspired to start new hobbies. When I was teaching, I started to get involved in a plethora of activities and hobbies. I taught myself how to knit, create jewelry out of recycled materials, and paint. I also started doing photography and even created my very own blog. I started to exercise (well, Jazzercise) —–and I hate exercising! I felt so content with my life and extremely happy, that I felt inspired to try new hobbies and to learn new things.

For some strange reason, all of that inspiration has vanished and I wish it would return. For a person like myself, with ADD, to learn all of these new hobbies was groundbreaking. Unfortunately, as we all may know, not all good things can last forever.

After losing my teaching job, I have not even felt an ounce of inspiration to do much of anything, and I know many people are becoming frustrated with me. I have not even attempted to search for a new teaching job, and my resume remains outdated in a file in my computer as we speak. I feel that it will stay that way for a while. Why wouldn’t I want these feelings of contenment, inspiration and happiness to return? Beats me.

Is it because I feel like I failed miserably at something? Do I fear that I will fail again? How can a job suck the life and inspiration out of you. This summer, I have not knitted, created jewelry,looked for a job, taken photos, or anything of the sort. I have not written on my blog in months! You guys are my witnesses! Even my husband does not understand, and finds my behavior baffling. He says “Jess, your life is not bad. I know what you are capable of.”And the crazy thing is…. I know that he is right!

I just have this feeling deep down within. It is not a sad feeling, but just an uninspired feeling. A feeling that my inspiration is gone and will never return. I want that feeling to come back so that I can start doing all of those things that I loved doing. Has anyone felt this way before? Can you relate?

Teaching

The English Teacher in Me

Ok.. to those who just read my post “Some people call me crazy,” I saw a lot of mistakes in the post. Since I am a teacher, I always read and edit my posts after I publish them. So hopefully you can reread it and see that I am not that stupid… lol. Well, I will be sure to edit my posts before I publish them!!! I am sure there are other teachers who proofread their posts too. Well, I realized I need to stop typing so fast to avoid the mistakes. I am sure there are other mistakes. LOL. Hopefully, you can reread it so it makes more sense now.